Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you...

"In a way, Karen had not been mothered....  The little girl within Karen longed to be held and protected....  But as soon as those feelings arose, she squelched them on the grounds that they were weak and risky.  She continued in her own strength, burying her need for love and compensating for it by becoming more strong, more competent, more successful in her faith and her career."
                                                                                         ~ Pursuing Sexual Wholeness - Andrew Comiskey

Sequence

I'm angry - perhaps more sad than angry but nonetheless both.  I recently played a game called "sequence" with my housemate.  After winning the first couple of games I started feeling real confident - proud actually.  Then the game took a bad turn and my winning streak spiraled into defeat.  I lost about five consecutive games before I got up out of my chair, brushed my teeth and went to bed.  My housemate raced into the bedroom behind me to find me crying hysterically.  She asked me multiple times what the matter was but being just as confused as she I gave no response.  She made a few more futile attempts before she headed off to bed herself.  Left alone I realized something about being a loser didn't quite "sit well" with me.  I prayed and asked God to show me what He sees and was quickly taken aback by the answer to my prayers.  "I'm not good enough" the little voice in my head repeated..."I'm just not good enough.  Not good enough to even win the game!"  The echo continued as what seemed like a slide show began to play... "you're not good enough to go into music, you'll never make it"... "you're not as good as she is with the recorder, you never practice"... "that's quite a reach for you so you should probably just play it safe because your chances are slim to none"... "you're just not ready for an orientee"... "you're not strong enough to make it to class"..."you are...." 

My heart raced and I suddenly found it difficult to breathe... 

(who would've known a game of Sequence would trigger such traumatic memories?)

Week 4

I skipped out on journaling time last week due to my inability to stay awake through the night.  Tonight I felt really small and unworthy.  As a matter of fact I felt too unworthy to pray and praise.  I couldn't help but to think "how can such a sinner like me that's leading a double life pray?"  The mere idea of praying (talking to God) seemed illogical, ironic.  I shouldn't be allowed to pray!  After sharing that I realized my unwillingness to let God in to the dark places.  It's active rebellion - I know God wants that part of my life but I'm unwilling to let it go - unwilling to give it to Him.  I'm putting up my own walls - in some ways I feel I have the right to hold on to it - to continue saying things don't bother me when they really do.  In reality I'm deathly afraid of letting God in to exploit the situation, my emotions.  I'm afraid of feeling - hurting - not being in control - being vulnerable.  The leaders prayed for me tonight - I just wasn't ready to pray for myself.  In a way I fear being in that chair - being in the spotlight - being under the watch of others.  I'm afraid that my prayers wouldn't be "good enough".  I'm afraid that I wouldn't be good enough - that I'd just be a waste of other peoples' time.  Fear...where does my tremendous fear stem from...? 

God I can't do this alone.  Help me to find security in You and let that security sink in from my head to my heart.  Make Yourself real to me this week and cover me with Your grace as I continue to do my homework/process this week.